bleh.

Current Mood/Status: presently, contemplative
Currently Doing: almost cleaning my room
Song of the Day: Wires, Athlete; i suppose Bowie's Space Oddity would kinda work, too, though.

so...my mood's been all over the place today, and i think i'm going to slit my wrists because i'm emo. not really, but i kinda re-realized how different this school year is going to be--not only are we going to be missing (lightly arguable, but i'm pretty convinced) the coolest class, but my class is going to be the junior class...which means that those that i'd always thought of as the sophomore class, those one year older than us (even though i never really saw myself as a freshman), is the eldest and, presumably, most authoritative. unfortunately, there aren't a lot of people in either of these two classes to whom i'd entrust much more than the duty of...well, i was going to say something like "just plain showing up for stuff," but they're not too hot at that, either, now that i think about it...the seniors, that is. my class...mostly just sucks, and, aside from my closest group of friends in it, is comprised of the very kinds of people that i bash very often. so there's part of the "bleh."

the other part (and the explanation for the headerish thing) is that, as i was slowly going through all the stuff on my floor, i saw a bunch of college stuff (of course). reminded me of cty--second session just got out at the end of last week and i caught up with some of my old, old, good friends. living with a group of people for three weeks really brings you close together (of course), but, somehow, and i've said similar stuff before, but that's not about to stop me now, the cty environment seems so unique and...(gasp)...special (not to mention the people) that good relationships established there just seem to grow and stick so well. it's amazing.

but, ah...anyways, it was the college part that got me thinking more. i'm a realist when i can afford to be, and i've long thought that no, i'm really not going to get into caltech, mit, or anything nearly that prestigious--which isn't to say that i'll not make it somewhere where i'll have a blast in college. but...that's the problem. there are so, *so* many schools out there that, i expect, will be so similar to cty--they're all so amazing, i'll find great people there, great classes, great extracurriculars, and, surely, true culture. but that's the problem: indecisiveness. specifically, skidmore and wesleyan, of saratoga springs, ny and middlesbury, connecticut, respectively, unless i'm mistaken. they're both liberal arts schools, wesleyan kinda bigish, but...i mean, thinking about how we spent our time at cty (very, very limited and different from college, but what we did do during our unstructured time and what we had in our heads to do, what we thought about, methinks, is something of an indication of what we'll be like in college--well, at least i haven't changed too extraordinarily much deeper down there--just the presentation of the ideas with which i come up has gone through a lot of remolding.)...that is, thinking about how we spent our time at cty, how i spend my time now, how i've observed other students living and listened to how they spend their time, reading, general induction, talking to people...wait, let me start that part again: from living in the world and thinking about it, i really can't see any reason that i wouldn't absolutely love the entire experience aside from finding quality classes, a nice campus (not necessarily large, but you know, tree'd, a good deal, few good open fields for whatever (read: ultimate, in addition to observation of others doing whatever), some place(s) nice outside to study or relax, etc.), at least half-decent dorm rooms, nearness to cultured places or large cities, and...that's pretty much it. i'd assume that a place with all of these above listed qualities would naturally attract other cool people. it's an inconceivably huge world, so what are the chances that i wind up in a school with absolutely nobody with whom i'd like to hang around? yeah, of course there are other perks--a weak swim team (so i may join it and not have all of my time sucked away, and maybe i'd actually be of some significant use to the team), a few more exotic courses, some real diversity in class profile, variety in classes themselves, class size, etc....you know, everything for which one with any sense at all would naturally wish, the very things for which schools strive. of course, i couldn't go to a school with no ultimate team, but of all the schools that i've checked out so far, i don't think any that have made it through the most basic of screenings (location, mostly, and offered classes) have failed to have ultimate teams. no problem there.

dinner, more later.

...but now that i'm back, a few things have gone through my head. first, i apologize for that last paragraph--it's a little daunting in size, and the parenthetical clauses, dashed thoughts, and even the normal subordinate clauses are rather convoluted. uhh...yeah, my bad, but, going throgh it, it's as it makes the most logical sense to me, and that's what this thing is largely about, eh? yeh, somethign like that. but if you're curious as to exactly what i'm really saying, go ahead and ask for a translation--it'll gladly be rendered.

the other thing...so while i was writing about colleges and everything, i got all excited, and for a bit i was in a great mood. then i walked down to dinner, and i realized that no, i'm not about to go to college. you know, there's still...say...probably almost exactly another year yet--margin of error, like two weeks. ugh...so that's about fifty-fourish to go, right? and just imagine how many of those weeks--real time, that is--are going to be spent in exceeding discomfort. =P is the best way to describe how that is. ugh...pssht. whatever. imma go try to do something about this mood again--you know, because...no, forget it. whatever. meh.